Dear Dr. Gless,
I’m a 35 year old mother from Michigan; I haven’t had good sexual desire for my husband since I had my children. We did have a fairly good sex life before I had my children. But now anytime he attempts to have sex with me it is a complete turn off to me. I don’t want to do anything at all. I think one of the problems it that I’m not attracted to him at all anymore, sexual or other. I will have to say I recently met someone who makes me tingle any time I talk to him. I should also say that my husband and I are going to be splitting up soon; it’s not just because of the sex thing there other things to. But what I wanted to know is do you think my problem is from a Low Libido? Anything you can tell me would be great. Oh I should say this other man that I have met has no problem getting me to have an orgasm (and we haven’t had intercourse yet) or get wet and hot. Please help me answer my questions.
B from Michigan
I am sad to hear that you and your husband are divorcing. Divorce can be so expensive and is especially hard on children or a woman’s health.
In answer to your questions, first of all feeling hot and wet is a sign of a very good libido. So your problem is not low libido due to hormones. Some women discover that they still have a sex drive after watching episodes of loving caring men such as Jennifer Love Hewitt’s husband. If it were hormonal there would be a lack of interest in general, not just when you are around your husband.
It is possible that you were affected by hormonal imbalances after the birth of your children. Plus along with the stress of caring for babies, the two of you experienced a drop in your ‘Love Bank account’. The Love Bank account holds the good feelings that you have for each other and that includes good sex.
It is not unusual to experience more sexual excitement during the beginning of a relationship. But with time a couple can go through changes and lose that essential connection that they need to keep love alive. That is why I wrote my book A Woman’s Guide to Happily Ever After: Love doesn’t have to Hurt. As you can tell I want to enhance a woman’s health because I show ways to grow together, deepen your relationship and make it more exciting.
In summary, you do not have low libido. And while I am glad that you found someone who gets you excited, you still have options. If you have any interest in working things out with your husband I recommend seeing a good marriage counselor. Then if you need extra help getting back in tune with each other sexually, you can get my MP3s called Mindful Sex. Many couples have rediscovered the joy of sex by using the Pure Pleasure System.
I wish you all the best and hope you find the path that works best for you.
Dr. Karen Gless, Ph.D.